Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Rejection from NYU changed my life- for good and bad
Or I could say: Coming to UCLA has changed my life for the good and the really bad.
NYU was my #1 choice, and I would've attended NYU in a heart beat if they had accpted me. If I had gone to NYU, it's possible I may still enter the entertainment industry. It's also possible I would have continued on with my biology degree, and go the pre-med route to become a pediatrician.
UCLA was my #2 choice. Coming to UCLA has changed my life for the good and the really bad. Coming to UCLA, I found my "passion" in entertanment marketing (kind of by chance). I was able to have the whole "college experience." I grew up. On the other hand, if I didn't come to UCLA, I would have never met him. I would have never fallen in love, and I would have never had my heart shattered into pieces.
"She" seems to be perfect for him. I'm afraid she could be "the one" for him, and where does that leave me? Is he happier with her than he was when he was with me? Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I let him in my life?
I remember at the very beginning of my sophomore year, he had ended it with me for the quarter. I couldn't let him go, so I 9(we) started to talk again and the rest has fallen the way I had wanted it to; except for us breaking up in April of my junior year. Maybe I should have let him go when we broke up that very first time, but I didn't. This sort of feels like deja vu. Maybe I should learn to let go this time around? But I can't. I know that I'm handling this differently than I did the first time. I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused and hurt.
My day time hours are kept busy with back-to-back/hour-to-hour schedule of classes, internships, workouts, and etc. that I don't have much time to do anything unless it's been scheduled. But when I come back to my apartment at the end of the day, I have free time to think about "us" or the lack of "us."
Honest truth: I'm afraid I can't find someone to fill his spot. I'm afraid that I won't find someone at all. Back in high school, I was so wrapped up with all that I had going for me (dance, classes, running the school, popularity, prep for college) that I didn't get in a relationship with anyone because I didn't have the time. It was also never a priority for me because I just had fun with the attention I got from other guys. I thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but it was high school and I didn't want to be tied down. I didn't think I wanted/needed it. Nowadays, I have become someone I didn't think I was going to be; someone that wants to be tied down in a relationship. It's like the saying: you never know you wanted/needed it until you had it and then lost it.
NYU was my #1 choice, and I would've attended NYU in a heart beat if they had accpted me. If I had gone to NYU, it's possible I may still enter the entertainment industry. It's also possible I would have continued on with my biology degree, and go the pre-med route to become a pediatrician.
UCLA was my #2 choice. Coming to UCLA has changed my life for the good and the really bad. Coming to UCLA, I found my "passion" in entertanment marketing (kind of by chance). I was able to have the whole "college experience." I grew up. On the other hand, if I didn't come to UCLA, I would have never met him. I would have never fallen in love, and I would have never had my heart shattered into pieces.
"She" seems to be perfect for him. I'm afraid she could be "the one" for him, and where does that leave me? Is he happier with her than he was when he was with me? Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I let him in my life?
I remember at the very beginning of my sophomore year, he had ended it with me for the quarter. I couldn't let him go, so I 9(we) started to talk again and the rest has fallen the way I had wanted it to; except for us breaking up in April of my junior year. Maybe I should have let him go when we broke up that very first time, but I didn't. This sort of feels like deja vu. Maybe I should learn to let go this time around? But I can't. I know that I'm handling this differently than I did the first time. I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused and hurt.
My day time hours are kept busy with back-to-back/hour-to-hour schedule of classes, internships, workouts, and etc. that I don't have much time to do anything unless it's been scheduled. But when I come back to my apartment at the end of the day, I have free time to think about "us" or the lack of "us."
Honest truth: I'm afraid I can't find someone to fill his spot. I'm afraid that I won't find someone at all. Back in high school, I was so wrapped up with all that I had going for me (dance, classes, running the school, popularity, prep for college) that I didn't get in a relationship with anyone because I didn't have the time. It was also never a priority for me because I just had fun with the attention I got from other guys. I thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend, but it was high school and I didn't want to be tied down. I didn't think I wanted/needed it. Nowadays, I have become someone I didn't think I was going to be; someone that wants to be tied down in a relationship. It's like the saying: you never know you wanted/needed it until you had it and then lost it.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Today was better
It was the first time in weeks that I actually showed up to my 10am seminar on time. Professor Moore handed our papers back. I got a B+ and she commented that if I had proof read my paper, I would have been in the A range. I am very proud of my 9 page B+ paper. I got it done 2hrs before the deadline.
The seminar ended an hour early, so I went to pick up my cap & gown, graduation tickets, and my lifetime membership Alumni GradPak stuff. As I picked up my graduation stuff, the students working at the pick-ups said "Congratulations." It felt really good to hear that. My 4 years of college is coming to an end. All those parties, late night studying, all-nighters, cramming, and the whole college experience is about to be over. Part of me is relieved, part of be wonders what's next, and another part of me want to stay at UCLA for another year. I could've picked up a minor in Chinese language, but I was misled by those student workers working the front desk at the office.
I'm not sure I want to head into the "real world." I've been going to school for 17 years and that's all that I've known. Changing this routine is scary. Not sure if I'm ready for 40+ hrs/week, and no vacation times. I've learned so much as a sociology major. I kind of wish I came into UCLA as undeclared, but I came in as a biology major. I tried to convince my sister to transfer to UCLA for biology. She looked up the transfer requirements for a B.S. in biology and said that it was really difficult to get in. When she said that, part of me felt happy because I was good enough to enter UCLA as a freshmen going for a B.S. in biology.
Compared to the last 5 days, today was a better day. I'm leaving for Taiwan in less than 2 months. I still don't know if I should confront him, or just take what's happening now as a sign/answer in itself.
The seminar ended an hour early, so I went to pick up my cap & gown, graduation tickets, and my lifetime membership Alumni GradPak stuff. As I picked up my graduation stuff, the students working at the pick-ups said "Congratulations." It felt really good to hear that. My 4 years of college is coming to an end. All those parties, late night studying, all-nighters, cramming, and the whole college experience is about to be over. Part of me is relieved, part of be wonders what's next, and another part of me want to stay at UCLA for another year. I could've picked up a minor in Chinese language, but I was misled by those student workers working the front desk at the office.
I'm not sure I want to head into the "real world." I've been going to school for 17 years and that's all that I've known. Changing this routine is scary. Not sure if I'm ready for 40+ hrs/week, and no vacation times. I've learned so much as a sociology major. I kind of wish I came into UCLA as undeclared, but I came in as a biology major. I tried to convince my sister to transfer to UCLA for biology. She looked up the transfer requirements for a B.S. in biology and said that it was really difficult to get in. When she said that, part of me felt happy because I was good enough to enter UCLA as a freshmen going for a B.S. in biology.
Compared to the last 5 days, today was a better day. I'm leaving for Taiwan in less than 2 months. I still don't know if I should confront him, or just take what's happening now as a sign/answer in itself.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Intuition
Women have this thing called "woman's intuition." I can say that mine are accurate for the most part. Since my breakup, I have this feeling that me and him will get back together. But how much of that is intuition, and not just what I really want? I really, really want it to happen, but it being an intuition has become a blur. I just don't know anymore. Knowing that he and the girl listing thier relationship on facebook really hurts. Where do I stand with him? He's turning 24 this year, so could she be "the one" for him? How long have they been "talking" and then turned it into a relationship? I think maximum of 5 months? We were dating on and off for 1.5yrs before we became official with a title.
I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I want to ask him ultimately if he sees me in his future. If he says no, then all ties and contacts will be cut. If I ask my friends advice/what to do, they would probably say that I should have severed all ties a year ago. I think all this time, I've been afraid to sever ties with him because it would mean that I've lost him- the love of my life.
I feel there's not much to look forward to after graduation. Finishing high school was not an option in my family, so graduating from high school was predictable. Finishing college is also not an option; so if I go to college, finish, then graduating is a guarentee. But nothing else in life is a guarentee. When I go out and look for a job, a promotion in the company is not a guarentee- I've seen quite a few people quit their current job with a great company to take on a different jobs. Marriage and kids are never a guarentee in life.
Why have I let myself get so wrapped up in relationships? Growing up, having a boyfriend was never a priority for me. I guess it's like, I never knew I needed it until I had it and then lost it. It's been a year and I can't get back to the old me. The me that was career driven, confident, happy, and when a boyfriend was never a priority. Back then, it would have been nice to have a boyfriend, but I didn't care for it too much. Now, I'm worried about the relationship aspect of my life. Why have I changed liked this?
I miss him so much. All my friends are saying "you'll find someone better," but they don't know that. Even I wouldn't bet everything I have on that. I'm afraid this girl could be "the one" for him, and where does that leave me? What's keeping me together right now is the possibility of hope. Ironic how there's a part of me that remains optimistic. Or is this just being stupid and naive?
Some of my friends say I should take this to church, and to pray about it. But I can't say that I believe. If something bad happens people say that it's God's will, and that takes the responsibilities off their hands. People need to take responsibilities for their actions. If something great happens, they praise God for it. But I feel that it's the hard work or good that they've done, and by praising God for it they don't recognize what they've done for themselves.
I can't say that I believe in God. I kinda sort of believe in coincidences and destiny. I'm not sure if I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we have two choices in life, and you have to decide which path to choose. We choose which path we want to take, which will inevitably lead us to different experiences and outcomes. Wouldn't it be cool if there was a paralle universe, and we get to ask "what if I did this, and chose to do this, what would my life have been like?" and all these other "what if" questions.
My "What If" Questions: WHAT IF...
-I never came to UCLA?
-I never gave Ryan and I a chance?
I wish I could get those answers, but that's just not possible. I will never know.
I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. I want to ask him ultimately if he sees me in his future. If he says no, then all ties and contacts will be cut. If I ask my friends advice/what to do, they would probably say that I should have severed all ties a year ago. I think all this time, I've been afraid to sever ties with him because it would mean that I've lost him- the love of my life.
I feel there's not much to look forward to after graduation. Finishing high school was not an option in my family, so graduating from high school was predictable. Finishing college is also not an option; so if I go to college, finish, then graduating is a guarentee. But nothing else in life is a guarentee. When I go out and look for a job, a promotion in the company is not a guarentee- I've seen quite a few people quit their current job with a great company to take on a different jobs. Marriage and kids are never a guarentee in life.
Why have I let myself get so wrapped up in relationships? Growing up, having a boyfriend was never a priority for me. I guess it's like, I never knew I needed it until I had it and then lost it. It's been a year and I can't get back to the old me. The me that was career driven, confident, happy, and when a boyfriend was never a priority. Back then, it would have been nice to have a boyfriend, but I didn't care for it too much. Now, I'm worried about the relationship aspect of my life. Why have I changed liked this?
I miss him so much. All my friends are saying "you'll find someone better," but they don't know that. Even I wouldn't bet everything I have on that. I'm afraid this girl could be "the one" for him, and where does that leave me? What's keeping me together right now is the possibility of hope. Ironic how there's a part of me that remains optimistic. Or is this just being stupid and naive?
Some of my friends say I should take this to church, and to pray about it. But I can't say that I believe. If something bad happens people say that it's God's will, and that takes the responsibilities off their hands. People need to take responsibilities for their actions. If something great happens, they praise God for it. But I feel that it's the hard work or good that they've done, and by praising God for it they don't recognize what they've done for themselves.
I can't say that I believe in God. I kinda sort of believe in coincidences and destiny. I'm not sure if I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that we have two choices in life, and you have to decide which path to choose. We choose which path we want to take, which will inevitably lead us to different experiences and outcomes. Wouldn't it be cool if there was a paralle universe, and we get to ask "what if I did this, and chose to do this, what would my life have been like?" and all these other "what if" questions.
My "What If" Questions: WHAT IF...
-I never came to UCLA?
-I never gave Ryan and I a chance?
I wish I could get those answers, but that's just not possible. I will never know.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
All The Things I Know Right Now, If I Only Knew Back Then
All the things I know right now, if I only knew back then.
I once believed I was one of the lucky ones, but life has a way of revealing itself.
Thursday, I received my lab results from the UCLA clinic. I've been pre-diagnosed with a condition that approx 1 out of 15 women have. I made an appointment to discuss my test results first thing Monday morning. The news had me crying on and off Thursday and Friday. I'm going to ask for a referral for a second set of blood tests at UCLA hospital. I feel that life is so unfair. I don't deserve this at all, but life goes on.
Friday night I logged onto Facebook, looked at his page (can't remember the last time I saw it). He's now listed in a relationship with a female, M.W. She was attractive looking, but her Facebook pictures were suggestive. Who am I to judge? This really hurts me. After what I was going through and seeing his relationship status just escalated everything. This feeling I have feels like the first day I had to go on without him. We've been broken up for almost 13 months now. I feel like he lied to me. When we broke up, he said "I still really like you, I need to work on me right now, I don't want the boyfriend requirements." Yet, here he is with a girlfriend. Did he lie to me? I wish he would've said something like: I don't like you anymore/I don't have feelings for you anymore. But he didn't say that.
Friday night, I just couldn't take all of this anymore. I really am trying to get over him, but I just can't right now. I need more time. I called one of my best friends, Michael, last night and he was yelling at me- mainly because I was crying so hard that he couldn't understand what I was saying. I know he means well, but I just need more time. How much time will I take?? I know what's my reality, and am in no denial of it. But i want to still keep the hope alive; the hope that one day our paths will cross again.
This morning, Stephanie and I went kayaking at the UCLA aquatic center. I just wanted to lay in bed all day, but I just feel bad canceling on her. I guess part of me knew I needed to get out and place my anger and emotions all into rowing the kayak.
It's been over 1 year and I was making progress. Now with my health condition and him, it feels like day one (April 22, 2009) all over again.
I once believed I was one of the lucky ones, but life has a way of revealing itself.
Thursday, I received my lab results from the UCLA clinic. I've been pre-diagnosed with a condition that approx 1 out of 15 women have. I made an appointment to discuss my test results first thing Monday morning. The news had me crying on and off Thursday and Friday. I'm going to ask for a referral for a second set of blood tests at UCLA hospital. I feel that life is so unfair. I don't deserve this at all, but life goes on.
Friday night I logged onto Facebook, looked at his page (can't remember the last time I saw it). He's now listed in a relationship with a female, M.W. She was attractive looking, but her Facebook pictures were suggestive. Who am I to judge? This really hurts me. After what I was going through and seeing his relationship status just escalated everything. This feeling I have feels like the first day I had to go on without him. We've been broken up for almost 13 months now. I feel like he lied to me. When we broke up, he said "I still really like you, I need to work on me right now, I don't want the boyfriend requirements." Yet, here he is with a girlfriend. Did he lie to me? I wish he would've said something like: I don't like you anymore/I don't have feelings for you anymore. But he didn't say that.
Friday night, I just couldn't take all of this anymore. I really am trying to get over him, but I just can't right now. I need more time. I called one of my best friends, Michael, last night and he was yelling at me- mainly because I was crying so hard that he couldn't understand what I was saying. I know he means well, but I just need more time. How much time will I take?? I know what's my reality, and am in no denial of it. But i want to still keep the hope alive; the hope that one day our paths will cross again.
This morning, Stephanie and I went kayaking at the UCLA aquatic center. I just wanted to lay in bed all day, but I just feel bad canceling on her. I guess part of me knew I needed to get out and place my anger and emotions all into rowing the kayak.
It's been over 1 year and I was making progress. Now with my health condition and him, it feels like day one (April 22, 2009) all over again.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
It's been a long time since I last blogged. Classes, internships, meetings, and driving around has kept me so busy. I don't even have time to answer my phone calls, and can only reply to text messages and facebook. I love my internship! I don't even mind staying after hours to work on my stuff. I'm hoping to work for this company in several years :)
My journey at UCLA is about to come to an end. Commencement ceremony will be June 11, 2010 at 5pm (I think?) but my parents won't fly in in time for Friday night. Department ceremony is June 12, 2010 at 9am! My parents/family/friends will definitely be at this one. Less than 5 weeks left til graduation. 3 years ago I had pictured that he would be there to see me graduate, but now it's all changed. He won't be there. My schedule had been so busy that I didn't have much time to think about him, but when I do have a moment of break I miss him. April 22nd was the one year mark of the worst day of my life. I've lived a very priviledge life and there are only 2 worst things that has ever happened to me, and April 22nd has taken the #1 spot. I never once took him for granted.
After graduation, I'll be getting away from Los Angeles for awhile. Hopefully to find myself again, and be ready to let him go. I'll be making my official move to Los Angeles in March 2011. I have this life planned out for myself. I can plan and plan all I want, but then life comes in and may change everything.
July= Taipei, Taiwan
August= Cruise with friends, Texas, Hawaii(?)
September= Costa Rica (volunteer trip)
October-November= Tanzania, Africa. Zanzibar & safari
December= El Salvador or Peru
January-March= Texas
March = Los Angeles
"Did you check the tires, put gas in the car, Don't think you'll need to much 'cause you ain't gonna get that far. Did you pack the good times, don't forget a map, Just in case the route you take isn't there to take you back. You can hold any girl that you like, Fall in love when it's easy at night, But you wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better, When you're lost and run out of road, Find what I already know, In the end closures all there is, But you won't find this, No you won't find this." You Won't Find This- Carrie Underwood
"I've been alone with you inside my mind, And in my dreams I've kissed your lips, a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door, Hello! Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile, You're all I ever wanted, And my arms are open wide, 'Cause you know just what to say, and you know just what to do, And I want to tell you so much, I love you." Hello- Lionel Richie
My journey at UCLA is about to come to an end. Commencement ceremony will be June 11, 2010 at 5pm (I think?) but my parents won't fly in in time for Friday night. Department ceremony is June 12, 2010 at 9am! My parents/family/friends will definitely be at this one. Less than 5 weeks left til graduation. 3 years ago I had pictured that he would be there to see me graduate, but now it's all changed. He won't be there. My schedule had been so busy that I didn't have much time to think about him, but when I do have a moment of break I miss him. April 22nd was the one year mark of the worst day of my life. I've lived a very priviledge life and there are only 2 worst things that has ever happened to me, and April 22nd has taken the #1 spot. I never once took him for granted.
After graduation, I'll be getting away from Los Angeles for awhile. Hopefully to find myself again, and be ready to let him go. I'll be making my official move to Los Angeles in March 2011. I have this life planned out for myself. I can plan and plan all I want, but then life comes in and may change everything.
July= Taipei, Taiwan
August= Cruise with friends, Texas, Hawaii(?)
September= Costa Rica (volunteer trip)
October-November= Tanzania, Africa. Zanzibar & safari
December= El Salvador or Peru
January-March= Texas
March = Los Angeles
"Did you check the tires, put gas in the car, Don't think you'll need to much 'cause you ain't gonna get that far. Did you pack the good times, don't forget a map, Just in case the route you take isn't there to take you back. You can hold any girl that you like, Fall in love when it's easy at night, But you wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better, When you're lost and run out of road, Find what I already know, In the end closures all there is, But you won't find this, No you won't find this." You Won't Find This- Carrie Underwood
"I've been alone with you inside my mind, And in my dreams I've kissed your lips, a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door, Hello! Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in your smile, You're all I ever wanted, And my arms are open wide, 'Cause you know just what to say, and you know just what to do, And I want to tell you so much, I love you." Hello- Lionel Richie
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Realization
As I was walking to my car from my last class of the night (internship class), I came to the realization that I don't think I'm as smart as I think I am. I feel dumb at UCLA. In high school, I was ranked #22 out of 623 people in my graduating class. I was at the top of my class. Then I came to UCLA where EVERYONE was at the top of their class, so we're all smart. When you get all these smart people together, I feel like I'm at the bottom of all the smart people. I feel like I got into UCLA because of my money. I'm not on financial aid AND I'm paying out-of-state tuition. I came into UCLA as a biology major, and took a whole year worth of math and chemistry classes. It took me a year to realize biology wasn't for me anymore, and messed up my GPA. I switched to sociology and did way better, but when your GPA is so low it's hard to bring it back up. I want to get a job in PR Marketing, and my professor said my GPA is going to matter. That just totally killed me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I do plan on getting my MBA after several years of work experience. We shall see what happens. I should probably focus on doing well in my classes and get ready for graduation in June.
I'm afraid I won't find a job after I get back to LA from my travels. I don't want to be a disappointment. My professor and advisors say that I'll be fine and to not worry about it, but they don't know that for a fact. It is nerve-wrecking.
A note on my relationship, I came to the realization that all that I'm doing is trying to get to the root of it all -the question of: Why did we break up? I feel that I could've gotten closure if he had said "I don't like you anymore, I don't see you in my future." But he didn't say that. He said "I still like you, but I gotta work on me right now. I don't want the boyfriend requirements." Is that just some bullshit? His actions towards me just contradicts what he said to me. You hear the saying, "action speaks louder than words." That's true to an extent in that your actions don't necessarily reflect your feelings. You can be supressing your feelings and be fronting. Then the next question would be: why are you fronting? Then it goes into contemporary sociology, Irving Goffman's, theory in performance. [3 years of sociology study]
It's DineLA Week and I LOVE IT!! Can't wait to try out some restaurants with some friends =)
Until my next post...
I'm afraid I won't find a job after I get back to LA from my travels. I don't want to be a disappointment. My professor and advisors say that I'll be fine and to not worry about it, but they don't know that for a fact. It is nerve-wrecking.
A note on my relationship, I came to the realization that all that I'm doing is trying to get to the root of it all -the question of: Why did we break up? I feel that I could've gotten closure if he had said "I don't like you anymore, I don't see you in my future." But he didn't say that. He said "I still like you, but I gotta work on me right now. I don't want the boyfriend requirements." Is that just some bullshit? His actions towards me just contradicts what he said to me. You hear the saying, "action speaks louder than words." That's true to an extent in that your actions don't necessarily reflect your feelings. You can be supressing your feelings and be fronting. Then the next question would be: why are you fronting? Then it goes into contemporary sociology, Irving Goffman's, theory in performance. [3 years of sociology study]
It's DineLA Week and I LOVE IT!! Can't wait to try out some restaurants with some friends =)
Until my next post...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
