As I was walking to my car from my last class of the night (internship class), I came to the realization that I don't think I'm as smart as I think I am. I feel dumb at UCLA. In high school, I was ranked #22 out of 623 people in my graduating class. I was at the top of my class. Then I came to UCLA where EVERYONE was at the top of their class, so we're all smart. When you get all these smart people together, I feel like I'm at the bottom of all the smart people. I feel like I got into UCLA because of my money. I'm not on financial aid AND I'm paying out-of-state tuition. I came into UCLA as a biology major, and took a whole year worth of math and chemistry classes. It took me a year to realize biology wasn't for me anymore, and messed up my GPA. I switched to sociology and did way better, but when your GPA is so low it's hard to bring it back up. I want to get a job in PR Marketing, and my professor said my GPA is going to matter. That just totally killed me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I do plan on getting my MBA after several years of work experience. We shall see what happens. I should probably focus on doing well in my classes and get ready for graduation in June.
I'm afraid I won't find a job after I get back to LA from my travels. I don't want to be a disappointment. My professor and advisors say that I'll be fine and to not worry about it, but they don't know that for a fact. It is nerve-wrecking.
A note on my relationship, I came to the realization that all that I'm doing is trying to get to the root of it all -the question of: Why did we break up? I feel that I could've gotten closure if he had said "I don't like you anymore, I don't see you in my future." But he didn't say that. He said "I still like you, but I gotta work on me right now. I don't want the boyfriend requirements." Is that just some bullshit? His actions towards me just contradicts what he said to me. You hear the saying, "action speaks louder than words." That's true to an extent in that your actions don't necessarily reflect your feelings. You can be supressing your feelings and be fronting. Then the next question would be: why are you fronting? Then it goes into contemporary sociology, Irving Goffman's, theory in performance. [3 years of sociology study]
It's DineLA Week and I LOVE IT!! Can't wait to try out some restaurants with some friends =)
Until my next post...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Unconditional Love
I'm trying to work on this unconditional love thing. I love him, but he doesn't know. If you love someone, you want them to be happy. I'm hoping he'll find happiness and joy even if it's not with me. If he's happy, i'm going to try to be happy for him. He deleted me again, and (like Bparks said) he doesn't want anything to do with me. Life gets complicated/harder as we grow up.
"I bet all I had on a thing called love, I guess in the end it wasn't enough, And it's hard to watch you leave right now, I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow, somehow, I'll move on baby just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue, when the sailing ship don't need her moon, It'll break my heart but I'll get through, someday when I stop loving you..." Carrie Underwood- Someday When I Stop Loving You
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you, I think that all that matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through, no there's no life after you..." Daughtry- Life After You
"I can't believe what you said to me, last night when we were alone, you threw your hands up, baby you gave up, you gave up...I will never talk again, oh boy you left me speechless, so speechless, and now I will never love again, oh friend you left me speechless, so speechless..." Lady Gaga- Speechless
"Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face, You stole my happy, you made me cry, took the lonely and took me for a ride, I wanna undo it, You had my heart now I want it back..." Carrie Underwood- Undo It
"I bet all I had on a thing called love, I guess in the end it wasn't enough, And it's hard to watch you leave right now, I'm gonna have to learn to let you go somehow, somehow, I'll move on baby just like you, when the desert floods and the grass turns blue, when the sailing ship don't need her moon, It'll break my heart but I'll get through, someday when I stop loving you..." Carrie Underwood- Someday When I Stop Loving You
"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you, I think that all that matters is love ever after, after the life we've been through, no there's no life after you..." Daughtry- Life After You
"I can't believe what you said to me, last night when we were alone, you threw your hands up, baby you gave up, you gave up...I will never talk again, oh boy you left me speechless, so speechless, and now I will never love again, oh friend you left me speechless, so speechless..." Lady Gaga- Speechless
"Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games, I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face, You stole my happy, you made me cry, took the lonely and took me for a ride, I wanna undo it, You had my heart now I want it back..." Carrie Underwood- Undo It
Saturday, January 16, 2010
On the Right Path
My last post was a bit of a downer, so on a brighter note:
Today I did promotions for the Adidas Originals store on Melrose. I LOVE working with other Adidas/cip marketing Brand Coaches. We are a pretty cool group of marketing staff. GO CIP! And today is where I found myself a mentor for the event marketing/promotions/production industry. His name is Paul and he is awesome! He knows a lot about the industry, and more importantly, he knows a lot of people. I can't say that my future is set because nothing in life is guarenteed, but I can say that I'm on the right path and in good hands. I can't believe just 3years ago I entered UCLA as a biology major, and now I'm hitting the entertainment marketing/promotions industry by storm! I think I have done very well for myself. Paul said the company I'm interning at is THE company to be at. Because of my career field, I'm pretty sure I'll be living out here in LA instead of moving back home in Texas. Moving home is like a step back because there isn't much marketing and publicity work there. My goal now is to make myself invaluable to my supervisors and the company.
I'm excited to go SKYDIVING in April! I'm really looking forward to graduation because of what will await me afterwards. TRAVELING! I'm going to volunteer at an orphange in China for a week in June. Then my friend, Savannah, and I are traveling to ALL 50 STATES- however long that's going to take. Then in August I'm going to study in Taiwan for a month or two (should be on scholarship). Then heading to volunteer at a medical clinic in Costa Rica for a week in September. Finally, spending 2 months volunteering in Tanzania, Africa. I'm really excited.
Then Paul and I got to talking about kids in general. And I don't expect to get married. I would like to, but I don't know anymore. And we came to the agreement that people like me need to reproduce...but we don't...and those that don't need to be having kids are popping them out from left to right. LoL! If I ever have kids, I want to raise them in Texas, not LA. But HEY, I'm just 21. I have like 8 more years to think about stuff like this. Right now, I'm not even wanting to date at all. It's just a waste of time. I'm over compensating and will be spending a lot of time working at my internships and my demanding class schedule. I'll be hibernating this Winter.
Until my next post....
Today I did promotions for the Adidas Originals store on Melrose. I LOVE working with other Adidas/cip marketing Brand Coaches. We are a pretty cool group of marketing staff. GO CIP! And today is where I found myself a mentor for the event marketing/promotions/production industry. His name is Paul and he is awesome! He knows a lot about the industry, and more importantly, he knows a lot of people. I can't say that my future is set because nothing in life is guarenteed, but I can say that I'm on the right path and in good hands. I can't believe just 3years ago I entered UCLA as a biology major, and now I'm hitting the entertainment marketing/promotions industry by storm! I think I have done very well for myself. Paul said the company I'm interning at is THE company to be at. Because of my career field, I'm pretty sure I'll be living out here in LA instead of moving back home in Texas. Moving home is like a step back because there isn't much marketing and publicity work there. My goal now is to make myself invaluable to my supervisors and the company.
I'm excited to go SKYDIVING in April! I'm really looking forward to graduation because of what will await me afterwards. TRAVELING! I'm going to volunteer at an orphange in China for a week in June. Then my friend, Savannah, and I are traveling to ALL 50 STATES- however long that's going to take. Then in August I'm going to study in Taiwan for a month or two (should be on scholarship). Then heading to volunteer at a medical clinic in Costa Rica for a week in September. Finally, spending 2 months volunteering in Tanzania, Africa. I'm really excited.
Then Paul and I got to talking about kids in general. And I don't expect to get married. I would like to, but I don't know anymore. And we came to the agreement that people like me need to reproduce...but we don't...and those that don't need to be having kids are popping them out from left to right. LoL! If I ever have kids, I want to raise them in Texas, not LA. But HEY, I'm just 21. I have like 8 more years to think about stuff like this. Right now, I'm not even wanting to date at all. It's just a waste of time. I'm over compensating and will be spending a lot of time working at my internships and my demanding class schedule. I'll be hibernating this Winter.
Until my next post....
Just Be Happy Again
I don't understand why I can't get over him. We haven't talked in awhile now. When I initiate conversation, he doesn't reply. I know I don't want to be with him right now because we both have some growing up to do. We need to grow into the person that we want each other to be. I know that we may not even be together and that it's just over (I'm not in denial), but what's wrong with having hope? I came to the realization that when we were together, the relationship was all about him. And that was all wrong- on my part. I feel that IF we were to get back together, it would still be about him. So I have a lot of myself that I need to work on. I want to, but I can't because we both have some growing up to do. I think because this breakup has been the worst thing in my life, (2nd worst was not making officer for my varsity drill team junior year of high school) and that's why I'm having such a hard time. When my friends say, "oh, it's just a break up blah blah." But what they don't realize is that it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Maybe I just need to experience more worst things, I don't know.
I've lived a very priviledged life growing up. I had a great education, and ended up at an amazing college. I've been able to travel to many countries in Europe. I live in a great home (in Texas), and have amazing family and friends. While growing up, money wasn't really an issue. Thinking back at all the rediculous crap I bought, I wish I had NEVER purchased them. I don't get Christmas presents because my mom says, "It's Christmas for you everyday, you buy whatever you want." And she also says, "You spend money like it's water." Oh, mom. I wouldn't say I was spoiled, just priviledged enough. People think having money will solve their problems, but I don't think so. You'll still have problems, but money isn't one of them. With all that said, I'm just content with life. Not happy. I'm very grateful for what I have, and all the opportunities that I have been given. I think I may want to start listing all the great stuff that's happened to me, and just be grateful. I need to work on myself and just be happy again.
I've lived a very priviledged life growing up. I had a great education, and ended up at an amazing college. I've been able to travel to many countries in Europe. I live in a great home (in Texas), and have amazing family and friends. While growing up, money wasn't really an issue. Thinking back at all the rediculous crap I bought, I wish I had NEVER purchased them. I don't get Christmas presents because my mom says, "It's Christmas for you everyday, you buy whatever you want." And she also says, "You spend money like it's water." Oh, mom. I wouldn't say I was spoiled, just priviledged enough. People think having money will solve their problems, but I don't think so. You'll still have problems, but money isn't one of them. With all that said, I'm just content with life. Not happy. I'm very grateful for what I have, and all the opportunities that I have been given. I think I may want to start listing all the great stuff that's happened to me, and just be grateful. I need to work on myself and just be happy again.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What I Never Really Said
I'm not in TEXAS anymore. I've said that for 4years now. I'm about to graduate college this spring. I've said college has been the worst 4years of my life, but really it has been the HARDEST 4years of my life. Looking back, I've had some fun times and thanks to college I've had some amazing work opportunities.
It was hard leaving my family and friends and moved out to LA on my own. It's still hard. I have such a hard time coming back to LA after the holidays. It was especially hard coming back from this holiday break because I lost the love of my life. It's been 8months going on 9 (to date). I never told him I love him. I've known him since my freshman year of college. We were on and off, no title to having a title for 2.5years. While we were together, I denied that I love him because I couldn't completely trust him. Then I came to the realization of what "love" is and stopped being in denial. I want to tell him that I love him, but what's that going to do? Nothing. It won't change the fact that we are not together anymore. I still hold on to this little ounce of hope that we can get back together later on in life. As more time passes, the amount of hope decreases. While we are apart, we can take this time to grow into the people that we want each other to be. If opportunities presents itself to me during this time, I will take it if it's right. I'm not exactly waiting on him either. I want to do badly ask him if he probably see me in his future. If he answers "yes" or "maybe" then that will give me a little sense of ease. If he answers "no" then I feel that I'm reliving that day we broke up, but at least I KNOW. The unknown is so hard to deal with. I hate and fear the unknown. I feel that our breakup would've been it. Closure. But his mom and I talked for 3hours and talking to her made me feel much better. In our discussion, she gave me that sense of hope for "us" in the future. She has no reason to lie to me, but it may be a sense of false-hope. I'm just so confused.
There's a saying that goes, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I thought that was complete bull shit. I thought it was better to not know what love was at all. Nowadays, I think that quote is very bittersweet. Many people go through life questioning what love is. I was one of them. Some will never know what love is or find love. Through this experience, I know what love is. And I hate knowing it, living it, and him not being here to reciprocate that love. A lot of my friends tell me that it's one of many lessons that came with life. I replied, "I can live life WITHOUT having to learn this lesson, and still be content." This goes to show that you don't go looking for love, love finds you.
When I first met him, I thought he would just be another guy and let's test how long he'll stick around. As time progresses, I started "falling" for him while pursuing other options that I had on the side. Oh, how great life was then. I had no baggage or regret. I don't exactly regret meeting/being with him, but a big part of me do regret moving out here to Los Angeles and I probably should've attended UT Austin or SMU. My friend said, "No matter where you go, there will always be a (his name)." True, but at least when I'm back in Texas and go through a breakup I will have that support system. I don't have that support system here in LA, and it makes this break up so much harder.
Even though I would be much happier moving back home after college, I think I'm going to stay in LA because of the career I want to go into. I want to pursue event marketing/promotions or event production in the entertainment industry. That's Los Angeles.
I gotta head to a meeting regarding my volunteer trip to Costa Rica! Laterz!
It was hard leaving my family and friends and moved out to LA on my own. It's still hard. I have such a hard time coming back to LA after the holidays. It was especially hard coming back from this holiday break because I lost the love of my life. It's been 8months going on 9 (to date). I never told him I love him. I've known him since my freshman year of college. We were on and off, no title to having a title for 2.5years. While we were together, I denied that I love him because I couldn't completely trust him. Then I came to the realization of what "love" is and stopped being in denial. I want to tell him that I love him, but what's that going to do? Nothing. It won't change the fact that we are not together anymore. I still hold on to this little ounce of hope that we can get back together later on in life. As more time passes, the amount of hope decreases. While we are apart, we can take this time to grow into the people that we want each other to be. If opportunities presents itself to me during this time, I will take it if it's right. I'm not exactly waiting on him either. I want to do badly ask him if he probably see me in his future. If he answers "yes" or "maybe" then that will give me a little sense of ease. If he answers "no" then I feel that I'm reliving that day we broke up, but at least I KNOW. The unknown is so hard to deal with. I hate and fear the unknown. I feel that our breakup would've been it. Closure. But his mom and I talked for 3hours and talking to her made me feel much better. In our discussion, she gave me that sense of hope for "us" in the future. She has no reason to lie to me, but it may be a sense of false-hope. I'm just so confused.
There's a saying that goes, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I thought that was complete bull shit. I thought it was better to not know what love was at all. Nowadays, I think that quote is very bittersweet. Many people go through life questioning what love is. I was one of them. Some will never know what love is or find love. Through this experience, I know what love is. And I hate knowing it, living it, and him not being here to reciprocate that love. A lot of my friends tell me that it's one of many lessons that came with life. I replied, "I can live life WITHOUT having to learn this lesson, and still be content." This goes to show that you don't go looking for love, love finds you.
When I first met him, I thought he would just be another guy and let's test how long he'll stick around. As time progresses, I started "falling" for him while pursuing other options that I had on the side. Oh, how great life was then. I had no baggage or regret. I don't exactly regret meeting/being with him, but a big part of me do regret moving out here to Los Angeles and I probably should've attended UT Austin or SMU. My friend said, "No matter where you go, there will always be a (his name)." True, but at least when I'm back in Texas and go through a breakup I will have that support system. I don't have that support system here in LA, and it makes this break up so much harder.
Even though I would be much happier moving back home after college, I think I'm going to stay in LA because of the career I want to go into. I want to pursue event marketing/promotions or event production in the entertainment industry. That's Los Angeles.
I gotta head to a meeting regarding my volunteer trip to Costa Rica! Laterz!
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