What I Never Really Said

I'm not in TEXAS anymore. I've said that for 4years now. I'm about to graduate college this spring. I've said college has been the worst 4years of my life, but really it has been the HARDEST 4years of my life. Looking back, I've had some fun times and thanks to college I've had some amazing work opportunities.

It was hard leaving my family and friends and moved out to LA on my own. It's still hard. I have such a hard time coming back to LA after the holidays. It was especially hard coming back from this holiday break because I lost the love of my life. It's been 8months going on 9 (to date). I never told him I love him. I've known him since my freshman year of college. We were on and off, no title to having a title for 2.5years. While we were together, I denied that I love him because I couldn't completely trust him. Then I came to the realization of what "love" is and stopped being in denial. I want to tell him that I love him, but what's that going to do? Nothing. It won't change the fact that we are not together anymore. I still hold on to this little ounce of hope that we can get back together later on in life. As more time passes, the amount of hope decreases. While we are apart, we can take this time to grow into the people that we want each other to be. If opportunities presents itself to me during this time, I will take it if it's right. I'm not exactly waiting on him either. I want to do badly ask him if he probably see me in his future. If he answers "yes" or "maybe" then that will give me a little sense of ease. If he answers "no" then I feel that I'm reliving that day we broke up, but at least I KNOW. The unknown is so hard to deal with. I hate and fear the unknown. I feel that our breakup would've been it. Closure. But his mom and I talked for 3hours and talking to her made me feel much better. In our discussion, she gave me that sense of hope for "us" in the future. She has no reason to lie to me, but it may be a sense of false-hope. I'm just so confused.

There's a saying that goes, "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I thought that was complete bull shit. I thought it was better to not know what love was at all. Nowadays, I think that quote is very bittersweet. Many people go through life questioning what love is. I was one of them. Some will never know what love is or find love. Through this experience, I know what love is. And I hate knowing it, living it, and him not being here to reciprocate that love. A lot of my friends tell me that it's one of many lessons that came with life. I replied, "I can live life WITHOUT having to learn this lesson, and still be content." This goes to show that you don't go looking for love, love finds you.
When I first met him, I thought he would just be another guy and let's test how long he'll stick around. As time progresses, I started "falling" for him while pursuing other options that I had on the side. Oh, how great life was then. I had no baggage or regret. I don't exactly regret meeting/being with him, but a big part of me do regret moving out here to Los Angeles and I probably should've attended UT Austin or SMU. My friend said, "No matter where you go, there will always be a (his name)." True, but at least when I'm back in Texas and go through a breakup I will have that support system. I don't have that support system here in LA, and it makes this break up so much harder.

Even though I would be much happier moving back home after college, I think I'm going to stay in LA because of the career I want to go into. I want to pursue event marketing/promotions or event production in the entertainment industry. That's Los Angeles.

I gotta head to a meeting regarding my volunteer trip to Costa Rica! Laterz!